The Blog of Lone

Blog Update

While little is currently happening in my life, just the usual looking for jobs, applying for jobs, getting ignored by real jobs, getting accepted by hoax jobs, there has been activity on the Blog.

As the more observant Blog Monkeys may have noticed, there is now a new page (accessed above), entitled ‘Net Presence.  It basically contains a bunch of stuff I’ve written that people have decided to buy and stick up around the ‘net.  It’s by no means comprehensive, but more of a random sampling.   Sometimes people ask what kind of thing do I write, where does it end up, etc etc.  Because these people with their silly questions bore me, there’s now a handy place I can point them in the direction of.  Take a peek, it’s full of weird and random things.  I actually frightened myself a little by Googling my name and finding all the strange outpourings and things people have asked me to write over the years, and where they’ve ended up.

Anticipation

This week is going to be very dull.  But there is light at the end of the tunnel, sunshine coming up over the horizon, a wizard and bunch of Nordic horsemen coming over the hill.  Saturday, I’m off to Harps to party with the people.  Squire Dix is the wizard presiding over the proceedings, wearing his drinking thong of wisdom, while Riders of the Mark Daryl and Toby will no doubt be causing a ruckus in the corner, quaffing gin and manhandling the serving wenches.  The only person who won’t be out will be Big Dom who is confined to the barracks with extra homework, but I’m gonna go see him with my hangover the next day so we can chill and swap books.  I literally cannot wait.  As always full reports will be posted up on the Blog, and maybe, if you’re really lucky, photographic evidence as well.

Peace

Work

Has been a looong day at work today.  Weddings always tend to be, but what doesn’t help is accidentally turning up to work two hours early.  Don’t get me wrong, the work isn’t all that hard (well, except for having to move loads of pianos around), but those extra two hours turn a bearable eleven and a half hour shift into a tiring thirteen and a half hours.  There’s only so much coffee you can drink before starting to shake like a heroin addict going cold turkey, and I reckon I was pushing the boundary line.

As predicted there was lots of cringe worthy granddad dancing, by people of all ages.  You know the kind of dance, where someone who has never heard a song before bop shuffles with slightly flailing arms, totally out of time to the music.  Just imagine your geriatric uncle Bob trying to dance to hip hop and you’re on the right tracks.  But it’s a wedding, so I guess it’s expected and acceptable.  The only memorable things were when the groom broke down crying mid-ceremony for five minutes and the bride’s wedding dress, which made her look like an all star quarterback in American football (think the White Witch from ‘The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe’ film).

Search

With all the wonders of cutting edge technology, which in this case involves a gang of bowler hat wearing monkeys locked in a dimly lit room, selotaped to top of the range laptops, smoking enormous cigars and drinking nothing but dry Martini’s, I can now find out exactly what goes down in the vague cyberspace recesses of the Blog.

One of the cyber monkeys on his fortnightly half hour break.

One piece of gnostic illumination that particularly tickled me was being able to see the key words people are putting into search engines in order to find the Blog.  While ‘blog of lone dixstock’ (Dixstock being an annual event reported on uniquely by the Blog) is perfectly acceptable (I bet I can even name the person doing that search), I do worry about whoever found us by searching for ‘lone mad blog’ (possibly a bit insulted by that one), and I’m positively scared to imagine the person who searched for ‘get it down zulu warrior’.

Funny Link

Think you’re bored? - Trust me, compared to these guys your life is a thrilling roller coaster of excitement and cake.

Peace and pickles.

Life/Thoughts

This week has mainly been very dull.  Sitting in front of the computer all day applying for jobs isn’t a healthy lifestyle.  Have been trying to make up for this by going down the gym, but it’s not something I enjoy.

At the gym there’s always guys, and girls, who watch you out of the corner of their eyes.  You can tell the ones.  They wear fashionable gym clothes, cut to show off their muscles/breasts/tight stomachs.  They mark you.  Mark the clothes you wear, the weights you lift, how much you sweat, what you drink.

For these people the gym isn’t about keeping fit, it’s a huge exercise in vanity.  They’re the worst kind of physical image Nazi, judging others by their own warped morals.  They pour scorn on the overweight people who are genuinely trying to get fit on the treadmills and hang out in their own toned, fashionable, tanned, bunches by the free weights.

Judging people by their looks is a bit of a personal bugbear of mine.  I’ve known gorgeous people who were intelligent and interesting, and an equal amount who were vacant and dull.  Same goes for those thought of as not traditionally gorgeous.  One of the most annoying things I can remember was when an article of mine on this topic was sold.  A few days later I checked up on it, and the guy who had bought it hacked it to pieces, keeping almost only the words such as ’sexy’, ‘gorgeous’, ‘attractive’, ‘beauty’ etc.  He then used it as the front page for a porn website.  Pleased, I was not.

Quiz

Went to a huge charity quiz tonight.  Was entertaining.  Only two things of note to report.

1:  The year’s supply of beer to be won would have lasted me two weeks at most.  Either this makes me a drunkard loser, or the organisers very stingy.

2. Out of the 500 people there, I was, literally, the only one to be able to recognise a picture of the current Poet Laurette, Carol Ann Duffy.  I’m not sure if this makes me a freak, or everyone else uncultured.

Work

Got to work tomorrow.  This isn’t a bad thing as I need something to entertain me, and working weddings can sometimes be entertaining, although I have a feeling this one will not be.  Terrible dresses, worse dancing, lots of free wine, and a total lack of inhibitions do often add up to much comedy viewing for the bloke who has to stand there and watch the guests while occasionally serving a few drinks.

Funny Links

Never trust your mates.

Ps.

Just want to say a big thank you to all the Blog Monkeys out there for reading, and especially those new to the Blog who have been leaving great comments.  Thanks to you guys the Blog is now 1458.62% more popular than it was last week.  Wow.

Peace and love.

I’ve just spent about two hours going through the photos and getting them all sorted out and titled.  Erg.

To celebrate this massive achievement of administrative goodness (it’s 2am and was actually quite an achievement) I’m running a mystical, magical, fantastic, fantabulous Photo Comment Competition!! < Woo.>  <Yay.>

THE RULES: You have a look at the photo page, and if you think  you can come up with a better title for one of the photos, leave a comment at the bottom of the page with your suggestion.  Please ensure you include the current title of the photo along with your suggestion otherwise chaos will reign supreme.

THE PRIZE: If your title is funny, filthy, imaginative, or just plain odd, you’ll get to see it up here on the Blog.  Also, if it’s particularly good, or if I just like you, you may win the chance to feature as a guest writer and have your own post put up on the Blog.  Wowwee, are those fantastic prizes or what?!?

Legal Disclaimer: No persons under the age of 4 may enter. Breast feeding is not allowed in the corridors. All entries must be sent on the back of a postcard, from Sweden. The judge’s decision is final, even if he’s drunk. For external use only. No ringers. No junk mail or soliciting, nor any lawyering either. No more than 3 children in the shop at any one time. May contain nuts. Please open away from face. Not open on the 1st or 3rd Wednesday of the month. No entry without ID. All transactions are liable to a 5% surcharge. No more than 5 items in the queue. Please leave the right change. Batteries not included. All actors are over the age of 18.  Stop reading this now.  Stop.  Now.  Quit it already.